the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
