i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
