I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
