So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
