you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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