I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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