Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
