Is it normal to miss your booty call?
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
