Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
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I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
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I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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