Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
