The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
