after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize
