yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
