While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
