We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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