In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
