i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
