nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
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