hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
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I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
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my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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