yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Is that strawberry winking at me??
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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