Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
