I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
