there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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