my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Randomize
