Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
