My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
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If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
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If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just had sex on a roof
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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