anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
