i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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