Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
