My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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