the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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