I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
