could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
