Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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