Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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