Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
