You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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