I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
