Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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