I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
