Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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