cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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