Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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