Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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