hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
