I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Randomize
