I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
