For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
