Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
