my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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