my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
