Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
