just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
