I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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