She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
