So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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