Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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