It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
