We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I think i got beer on your cat.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
