Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Two words: nipple clamps
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