Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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