you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
